Gaufqwi Official Rules and Regulations Produced and Distributed by The National Gaufqwi League 1. Introduction 1.1 Gaufqwi is one of the fastest growing sports in America. An offshoot of ancient man's oldest struggles (see History), Gaufqwi in its modern form has been popular in France for over two hundred years. Until recently the sport had been virtually unexportable but its introduction to the United States (due to a serendipitous oversight in Customs) has seen a virtual (and in one case literal; see History) explosion of players taking it up. Gaufqwi's combination of long tradition, exciting, skillful play, and unpredictability that arising from the use of living creatures has contributed to its emerging popularity in America. 2. The Sward and Equipment 2.1 The Sward 2.1.1 The field of play in gaufqwi is known as the sward. 2.1.2 The sward is a 36 foot by 78 foot rectangle. The perimeter of the sward is traced by a one foot high wall of wood or plastic. There is no wall across a four foot stretch in the center of either end to accommodate the goals. These gaps in the wall are known as the exits. (For the purposes of these rules, the "ends" of the sward are to be considered the 36 foot boundaries. The 78 foot boundaries are to be known as the "sides".) 2.1.3 The goals are determined by a four foot by six foot rectangle outside of either end of the sward, one of the four foot sides coinciding with the exit. The first foot of the goal rectangle outside the sward proper is a pit at least one foot deep so that a gerbil passing through the exit will fall safely into it and become trapped. The remaining four by five area is for the staking of the cat. A regulation cat (see below) is to be staked on a chain in this area so that he may reach forward (towards the sward) enough to frighten any gerbil approaching the exit but not enough to harm a gerbil who makes it into the pit. The entire goal rectangle should be enclosed by an actual physical goal consisting of a four by four by five box of some opaque material that is open on the bottom and on the side that coincides with the exit. 2.2 Equipment 2.2.1 Two by Fours: Each player is required to have a two by four as his primarily instrument of gerbil motivation. Regulation two by fours are of soft wood and are between four feet and six feet in length. A player's two by four should be long enough that he can place it on end in front of him and rest his chin on it semi-comfortably by leaning forward slightly. 2.2.2 Spears: Players are required to have spears for jigging. Regulation spears are from three to five feet long and must be exactly one foot shorter than the player's two by four. No limitations are made on the materials from which the spear is made; however all spears should be of a similar sharpness. The proper test for sharpness is to drop the spear from a height of six feet into a watermelon placed on end. The spear should enter but not completely penetrate the melon. 2.2.3 Snowshoes: All players must wear snowshoes 2.2.4 Gerbils: Between fifty and a hundred gerbils are necessary for a full length gaufqwi game. Regulation gerbils must be of the genus Tatera. All gerbil must be equipped with either blue or black helmets. Fashion color or pastel helmets are not permitted, as the bright colors might tend to distract the gerbils or players. 2.2.5 Cats: Two cats are required for a gaufqwi game (one for each goal). All common domestic cats are permissible but alley cats and strays are recommended (House cats tend to be too docile). Cats should not be fed for two days prior to a gaufqwi game. Immediately before the opening bleat (see below), both cats should be taunted by dangling a dead rodent on a string just out of their reach. 2.2.6 Paint Pellet Guns: Two paint pellet guns are needed for the takers to identify the target gerbil (see below). The guns should not be so powerful as to injure a gerbil struck by the pellet, but should have a range of at least half the length of the sward. 2.2.7 Paint Pellets: Paint pellets should be a bright color, preferably orange or yellow. Red is unacceptable since it is difficult to distinguish from blood at a distance. 2.2.8 Other Officiating Equipment: The takers also require chairs, bear traps, and autopsy equipment as outlined below, but there are no set standards for these. It is also required that both takers have some official scorekeeping or timekeeping device. 3. Officials 3.1 All gaufqwi games are adjudicated by two licensed veterinarians known as "takers" (from undertaker). The takers are stationed just outside of opposite sides of the sward exactly halfway between the two ends. The takers are responsible for calling penalties, judging scoring, receiving jigged gerbils, and autopsying these gerbils (see below). All decisions of the takers are final. 3.2 The takers sit in chairs raised seven feet above the level of the sward. Attached to the front of the chair is the bear trap where players deliver jigged gerbils. The trap should be designed so that the taker can open it, remove the gerbil, and reset the trap quickly. 3.3 Takers should also be equipped with paint pellet guns, a supply of gerbils, and autopsy equipment. 4. Play of Game 4.1 Before a play a coin is flipped by one the takers and called by the shorter of the two players. The player that wins the toss selects a goal to defend, with the other player defending the remaining goal. 4.2 Play begins with each player standing on one leg within three feet of the goal he is defending. Players should have their two by four in hand and their spear attached to their flank with velcro. The actual game traditionally begins with the bleating of a sheep; in practice any loud, organically produced sound will do. 4.3 Upon the opening bleat, the taker on right of the player who won the toss releases ten gerbils onto the sward. The other taker shoots one of these gerbils with his paint gun. This may take several shots, and players cannot move until a gerbil has been hit. Once a gerbil has been hit, it is marked as the "target gerbil" and players are free to move. 4.4 The players object is to attempt to force the target gerbil into their opponents goal, for which they are awarded points. No points are awarded for unmarked gerbils that enter a goal. Players may intimidate gerbils with their own bodies or by striking at or around them with their two by fours. Actually hitting gerbils, though not explicitly illegal, is discouraged as it may lead to penalties if the gerbil is killed (see Penalties). 4.5 In the course of play, many gerbils tend to expire. Any gerbil that dies of natural causes may be jigged by either player. Natural causes are defined as heart attack, stroke, or suicide. A gerbil that dies after it was struck is also considered to have died from natural causes if it manages to move of its own power at least three feet from its landing point before it passes on. "Jigging" consists of a player drawing his spear, skewering a gerbil corpse, and using the spear to deliver it to one of the takers' bear traps. If the trap fails to take the body, or if it falls off the spear, it is still in play until it is successfully delivered to a trap and the trap snap shut on it. Points are awarded to a player who successfully jigs a dead gerbil; the gerbil need not be the target gerbil. 4.6 When a gerbil expires or leaves the sward, a taker will release a new gerbil onto the field. The takers alternate doing this. If the gerbil that is being replaced was the marked gerbil, the taker who is not releasing its replacement shoots another gerbil with the paint gun to mark it as the target gerbil. 4.7 Play is divided into two twenty-five minute halves. After the first half there is a ten minute break during which all the gerbils are collected and the players switch goals. The second half of play begins as the first half, with each player defending his new goal as ten gerbils are released and one is marked. After the second half, the player with the highest cumulative score wins. Ties are broken in sudden death played with one gerbil. The first player to score with this gerbil wins. (In sudden death, jigging doesn't count; dead gerbils are immediately replaced). 5. Scoring 5.1 A player receives two points for each marked gerbil he successfully forces into his opponents goal. 5.2 A player receives one point for each gerbil he successfully jigs. 6. Penalties 6.1 Penalties are only called for three reasons: attacking the other player with a two by four or spear, maliciously killing a gerbil in standard play, or jigging a living gerbil. 6.2 A player called for attacking his opponent must surrender his two by four to the taker that made the call for one minute. During that minute the player is free to manoeuver gerbils with his own body and to jig. After one minute the taker will drop the two by four on the sward in front of him and it is up to the penalized player to recover it. 6.3 A player is judged as maliciously killing a gerbil if he a) steps on it and it dies or b) strikes it with his two by four and the animal dies within three feet of where it lands. When a call for malicious killing is made, play is paused, the killer is forced to retire to one corner of the sward, and his opponent is allowed five seconds to jig the deceased gerbil unopposed. After the five seconds, the penalized player is free to rejoin play and may try himself to jig the gerbil. 6.4 All jigged gerbils are immediately autopsied by the taker who received them. If the autopsy indicates that the gerbil died from being skewered and thus was alive when it was jigged, the jigging player is forced to surrender his two by four for one minute (as in 6.2, above). 7. Miscellaneous 7.1 Gaufqwi can be played with other rodents but lemmings should not be used if play is in a mountainous area. 7.2 As a courtesy to the players, persons holding gaufqwi tournaments should not use rabid gerbils. 7.3 As a courtesy to the gerbils, they should be provided with at least one weeks rest between games. 7.4 Proper gaufqwi attire emphasizes spandex. 7.5 Gaufqwi games are much more exciting if the spectators huddle close around the sward to discourage the gerbils from cowering around the edges. 8. History 8.1 The history of gaufqwi begins with the hunter gathers found tens of thousands of years ago in the French Alps. Wearing snowshoes, these primitive men would set out each day to hunt the wooly mammoth. They discovered that more effective than shooting the huge animals was frightening them over the edge of a cliff. This became something of a game for the hunters, who were too primitive to have any other means of recreation. The slow moving mammoths made for a long and grueling game, however, and primitive man began to look for smaller and smaller animals to chase over cliffs. After several million years, primitive man was chasing gerbils into little pits. This was great fun but did not provide a viable food source. It was thus decided that the gerbil hunt should be formalized into a game, with the winners receiving as a prize a wooly mammoth captured by another group of primitive men. (This early ancestor of gaufqwi was thus part of one of the steps to civilization: division of labor.) By this time, primitive man had migrated out of the mountains (though they were still wearing snowshoes) and wooly mammoths were extinct. The sheep was chosen as a substitute, primitive man deciding that the operative word was "wooly" rather than "mammoth". The tradition of beginning a game with the bleating of a sheep arose from primitive man's desire to be sure he had a prize before he began a game. This game of gerbil hunting faded out of popularity but continued to exist in folk history as primitive man grew into modern man. The game was revived and put into its modern form (including jigging, which was unknown to primitive man) in the late eighteenth century by the French intellectual, the Marquis de Sade. de Sade also gave the game the name gaufqwi from the French gaufre, "waffle" (from the marks left on the gerbils by the snowshoes) and "qwi" an onomotapoetic spelling of the sound made by the excited little animals. Since its introduction and subsequent rise in popularity in France, the most important event in gaufqwi's history was its introduction to the United States. In 1987, a collection of gaufqwi equipment and gerbils slipped through customs and by chance fell into the hands of a French-American ticket attendant named Jack Lablague. He remembered his father's tales of gaufqwi in France, and after holding several tournaments with the equipment he had found, discovered the joy of the sport himself. He founded the National Gaufqwi League to further the importation of gaufqwi into the United States. Though the popularity of the sport grew slowly, it has recently become a near phenomenon in some parts of the country. Gaufqwi in america did suffer a setback when, in a tournament in Texas in 1991, an overexcited gerbil spontaneously and violently combusted, killing both players. Despite this, gaufqwi continues to grow in popularity. The National Gaufqwi League hopes you'll become a part of this exciting sport.