The Sirius Cybernetic Corporation defines intelligence as “…the ability to reconcile totally contradictory situations without going completely bonkers”. By that definition, when it comes to Halloween, I’m a freaking genius. To wit:
I hate trick or treating. Actually, hate is too strong. I think it is pointless and annoying. I suppose I may just be bitter because trick or treating was not much of a part of my childhood. Oh, my parents took me a couple of times, but we lived out in the country, and the four or five houses on my road were not really within walking distance of each other, so it mostly was just a hassle.
But I don’t think childhood pixie stick deprivation is the source of my t or t antipathy. I think it really boils down to the fact that I hate being forced into social situations. I know it was meant ironically, but I deeply believe that Frost line about “good fences make good neighbors”. It’s not that I am anti-social – I just don’t think you should presume to impose your company on me nor I mine on you without either explicit permission or an extended implicit negotiation of iteratively increasing familiarity. (Ladies, can you believe I’m single?) I sure as heck don’t want you and your grubby little spawn knocking on my door with the expectation not only of candy, but also of a show of enthusiasm for the intrusion and an offering of praise for a costume that has approximately a 1% chance of being something other than a princess, a cowboy, Snooki, or Ironman.
And don’t get me started on older kids that trick or treat. You get to have either sex hormones or free candy corn. Pick one.
Now, here’s the rub. All that said, I am even more infuriated by recent efforts to sanitize and pragmatize the celebration of Halloween. Cities voting to “do” Halloween some night other than the 31st? Trunk or treat? Please. It may not be my favorite holiday, but Halloween is a thing, and it has rules. Rule 1: It’s on October 31st. Rule 2: You want free candy, you have to schlep around your neighborhood, not a well lighted community center parking lot.
Of course, per my arguments above, I should really like the opt in format of Trunk or Treat and similar activities. And insofar as that goes, I guess I do. But for the most part I don’t think these alternative begging paradigms were started to accommodate Halloween curmudgeons such as myself. I think they are largely born of irrational fears that people who are not like you are out to get you. And I don’t cotton to that. I want my neighbors to leave me alone, but not to be afraid of me.
Lest I seem like a complete Scrooge-o-Lantern, I should say I am a big fan of the Halloween Carnival and the Haunted House. Both are old enough traditions that I don’t associate them with 21st century phobo-copter parenting. Everyone is there by choice. They can be made appropriate for kids of all ages. And, bringing it back around, church and school carnivals were how I spent most of my Halloweens as a kid.
Happy Halloween everyone!
